The Autoblow is this new sex toy that feels just like getting a real blowjob. It’s got a fleshy mouth-shaped sleeve like a lot of male toys, but the cool part is that there’s a motor attached that makes it thrust up and down. So you slide yourself in there and turn the thing on, and it goes to town on you at whatever speed you want. When you’re done, just blast away – it’s not like the Autoblow is going to complain. Might not be what you had in mind if you were looking for masturbation tips for men, but trust me on this – you need an Autoblow.

That’s because the Fleshlight is basically just a standalone pussy (or if you prefer it can be an ass or mouth). So you should already know what to do with it – just stick your dick in there. Inside the Fleshlight there’s supple realistic feeling fake skin that’s textured to feel simply amazing. Add a little lube in there and it will feel almost as warm and wet as the real thing. Here’s a bonus tip: one of my favorite men masturbation techniques is to prop the Fleshlight between two things so you can go at it hands-free.

The Autoblow is a sleeve of synthetic flesh that feels quite real. That’s not really any different from standard penis sleeves, though. What the Autoblow brings to the table is a little motor that moves the thing up and down by itself. This means that once you’ve applied some lube and put your cock inside, the Autoblow does everything for you. All you have to do is control the speed and enjoy your virtual blowjob. This thing is going to be a revolution in masturbation for men.

If it’s something you’d be interesting in exploring, I have the perfect toy for you. It’s called the Aneros, and it is scientifically designed for the best prostate stimulation possible. It’s totally hands free since it uses your body’s own subtle movements while you’re masturbating to caress your prostate. Believe me, a little goes a hell of a long way. Even the first time you use this toy, you may have the best orgasm in your life. Now’s the time to try this secret of masturbation men keep quiet.

That is unless you’re one of the guys who are lucky enough to own a Fleshlight. Fleshlights are these great pocket pussies that feel amazing close to the real thing. It’s like having a woman around who will have sex with you any time that you want, no questions asked. The combination of the real feeling skin and the specially textured insides of the Fleshlight make it an awesome tool for men. Masturbation will never be the same again once you’ve tried this toy.

“Lo, a carnally-minded man, one in the flesh and under its dominion, cannot please God. This is impossible while he continues to mind the things of the flesh.”(Ro 8.6)

But hey, pleasures of the flesh are important now, so you have to grab it while you can and make the most of it. The problem is, and you may have noticed this, pleasures of the flesh, actually going out there and grabbing yourself a real live woman, is fraught with problems, complications, and that nasty new word – issues.

We’re not knocking relationships, but sometimes real happiness is found from things not requiring relationships – it comes from simple things you can enjoy for yourself, by yourself or in the company of good friends – well, not so in all of our suggestions, but here is our list of ways to really start to enjoy life:

• Enjoy your food. Don’t just eat it, taste it and appreciate its richness.
• Learn to cook.
• Feel music and not just listen to it.
• Play music. Learning an instrument allows you to express yourself.
• Sing in the shower
• Take a walk in the park.
• Go for a drive
• Read.
• Watch a movie. Check out IMDb’s recommendation engine to find movies you will like.
• And of course, order yourself an Autoblow Blast. Yes, it’s a fully automatic blowjob machine and it will give you one helluva a blast. A toe curling deep throat blowjob that will bring a blush to your face and a spring to your step. Check out www.roboticblowjob.com

Whatever you do, enjoy life.

Take the business of sales; as a young buck you were out in the field showing all the MILF housewives your no claims bonus. Now you’re chained to a desk in Head Office fretting over team targets and percentage points.

If you so much as glance over your spectacles at a female employee these days, she’ll have you up for sexual harassment quicker than you can spell check it.

Then there’s your wife. She lost interest in sex before your son even went to college. You’re more likely to win the lottery than get any action there.

And as middle age settles in, the company start taking your annual check up a whole lot more seriously. Now they’ve got you attached to a machine and prancing around on a treadmill while a nurse checks your blood pressure. One puff out of place and they’ll be recommending you for early retirement.

What you need is some men masturbation; the soothing relief that only an Autoblow can deliver, unconditionally, uncomplainingly, time after time.

The crucial difference between an ECG and a session on the Autoblow, is that instead of taking your top off and having an old nurse next to you, you take your pants off and have a fantasy nurse on top of you. In fact you can fantasize about whatever you like because the opportunities for highly intense sexual relief are only limited by your imagination.

Once you’ve got the glint back in your eye and the spring back in your step, you might even find the girls in the office are starting to check you out again.

As the Autoblow will soon show you, there’s plenty of life in the old dog yet.

All kinds of ghastly mechanical devices were created and forced upon boys to prevent them from having fun. It puts in perspective how lucky we are today, for in sharp contrast, the Autoblow Blast is the first fully automatic device dedicated to encouraging both men and boys to have a cracking good blowjob.

For want of a better expression, the Autoblast is a machine that has been a long time coming. In the unenlightened past, the fire and brimstone brigade that threatened mere boys and adolescents with hell and damnation would have found in this machine the work of the devil. Today it represents the devil of a good time.

You simply lube up, slide into the soft and inviting silicone sleeve, switch on and sit back. All the angst and anxiety of previous generations just slips away as the Autoblow continues to pleasure you. How can anything that feels so right be wrong?

Dr Moodie, inventor of  Dr. Moodie’s Apparatus for Boys, would now doubt have changed his mind and his fiendish design if he’d had a go on an Autoblow.  As it is, he ruined the masturbatory joy of many a lad for generations. So lest we forget, let us celebrate the happy future of masturbation with a standing salute to the Autoblow.

Some of these devices included:

The leather jacket corset -  created in 31 by Dr Fleck, it included a metal penis tube and “a steel band riveted to the shield permanently and attached to the body with an encircling steel band in such a manner that it cannot be removed and prevented access to the testicles.” Dr Fleck claimed that no boy ever managed an escape from his penile Alcatraz.

Spike-lined ring – this anti men masturbation device was introduced to overcome ‘nocturnal emissions’ by doctors in Boston as recently as the 1950’s.

Spermatorrhea Bandage—The idea behind this anti men masturbation idea was to keep the penis tightly bound, thus making it impossible to have an erection.

Stephenson’s Spermatic Truss – This is not the same gentleman who gave the world Stephenson’s Rocket. This was an anti men masturbation device created in 1876 for controlling the pocket rocket. It placed the penis in a pouch stretched and tied down between the legs.  Stephenson amended his device some 21 years later to include a metal hoo under which the penis could move freely, thus forcing an erect penis to be driven against painful spikes.

Dr. Moodie’s Apparatus for Boys– Scotch physician John Moodie invented this delightful anti men masturbation device – a truss-and-shield in 1848. It included a penis tube with a slot on the side for the boy to push his penis out in order to urinate.

It was very different indeed during the monkey spanking spurned days of the 1700s and 1800s. Many a prominent physicians began to believe masturbation was the reason for certain mental and physical deficiencies. Just as in earlier times people believed certain women to be witches, several intelligent scientists, philosophers, and religious leaders of the day decided that illnesses including insanity, vision and hearing problems, epilepsy, mental retardation, and general health problems were caused by that naughty lady Five Fingered Mary. In fact, over 60% of medical illnesses were blamed on men masturbation.

The fear of masturbation became so great that throughout the world, extreme preventative measures were instituted including the use of mechanical restraints, genital surgery, and rigorous physical discipline.

By the 19th century the cereal magnate John Harvey Kellogg, (that’s right, the man who brought you Corn Flakes, not  Porn Flakes) declared “sex for anything but reproduction” to be “sexual excess.” Kellogg and others began advocating routine circumcision of males as a deterrent to men masturbation.

Some of the hideous and cruel implements invented expressly to stop a session of men masturbation are still viewable in museums around the world. One such was the Bowen Device– this was a cup that was placed over the head of the penis and attached to pubic hair by chains and clips. When the wearer got an erection, the pubic hair would be plucked painfully and the wearer would be sufficiently distracted to stop thinking impure thoughts.